"broken, bruised, forgotten, sore"

the last time

Mon, 23 Apr 2007 20:13:31 GMT

...i don't think i'll ever post in this again. read back a lot of my entries. god i'm glad i'm not a douche-bag anymore. if i could i would go back and beat the shit outta myself during those periods of times. anyway www.myspace.com/herestothememories is now where it's at bitches.
keep the peace.

WIKED IMPORTANT!! IF YOU GIVE A DAMN ABOUT ME YOU WILL READ THIS AND HELP ME OUT.

Fri, 11 Aug 2006 02:59:55 GMT

so an update. my band ellis eye is involved with this huge battle of the bands. the winner of this battle of the bands will be rewarded a one million dollar record contract. i'm looking for any and everyone's support here. music is my life..with out i have nothing. please, go to this site and vote for my band ellis eye.

www.bododbattleofthebands.com/shows/show-details.php?show=20

please help me out.

much love and good karma

-john

Song Lyrics (yes i wrote them)

Fri, 09 Jun 2006 05:53:10 GMT

Blindfold

(verse 1)

they said
it was for a good cause.
i say they're wrong...
oh...
so wrong...

LIAR
THIEF
HYPOCRIT
ALL OF THESE
YOU FOLLOW BLIND
so blind....

(verse2)

go make
a man of yourself.
make your country proud...

RIGHT
WRONG
INDIFFERENCE
THIS SONG
I KNOW THE LIES
FED TO YOU...
to you...

(chorus)

march away now to your death
war is ended in a breath.
what they take,
they'll never see.
what they take is you from me.

(verse 3)

be all that
you can be.
i say be yourself.
you gotta resist this tyranny.

SECURITY
DEMOCRACY
FREEDOM
INTEGRIDY
THEY ROT YOUR MINDS
for what?

(chorus)

(break-down)

(chorus)

come clarity

Mon, 27 Feb 2006 18:59:26 GMT

so the show on friday didn't go as smoothly as i wanted it, but we were bound to have one of those days. one of the bands didin't show up and side one was late but it was ok because some kids from the letter m came up and played for a while. in their third song side one came strutting through the door "finally" i thought to myself. they went through like four songs and it was great. i love their music. it's so different from what they used to sound like. i was impressed. now to tomorrow...nine inch nails for the third time. and this time...i'm going to be right up front. we got a show on friday the third so maybe this time we'll do better than last time. anyway...leave some love.

-john

DRUNX

Sun, 19 Feb 2006 09:14:13 GMT

so sometimes i drink a lot no like seriously a lot and i get drunk and i post stupid ass blogs on myspace about being drumx... so i'm shmammered like whoa...lol i told yall i'd be gettin c-r-u-n-k soon,....so yeah i'm drunk and loving it!!!

-j

been a while...

Wed, 15 Feb 2006 18:32:54 GMT

WOW
i haven't done this for a while. well to start off with i'm trasferring. yeah i'm leaving this fucking place. either going to plymouth, UNH or keene...or maybe i'll just go to the tech and just work and continue to do the thing i do bes and make music (not that it matters i'm going to make music anyway. so the band thing is going well. actually better than well more like consuming my soul. all i do is play my bass that my lovely bought for me cuz she loves me like that. oh yeah i moved downstairs in my own room bitches. yeah that's right i gots a whole place to m'self can you say party place? i can. haven't been writing much unfortunatly...haven't had much inspiration for that. going to see nails again yeah that's right third time...this time i'm going to be in front...yeah in front i said it. can't wait for that either... well anyway...i've got some stuff to do sorta...more like i need to find more bands to play some shows with. anyway...oh and the pumpkins are working on a reunion yeah that's fucking right and i'm totally going to be there when they tour...ok now i'm done...

-j

vacation...

Fri, 30 Dec 2005 19:36:05 GMT

i'm on vacation here at home although i don't think you can call it much of a vacation. i'm just happy to have some time away from school. i still have no clue what i want to do with my life...but i guess most 20 year olds don't. i'm bored. call me or something if anyone wants to do anything over break. i was working alot but they gave me this week off i probably don't have a job anymore...:( i needs money for my tattoo's and for my pc....oh well i'll figure out something..anyway take care...

.zero

ps...
call me if anyone wants to do anything (934-2495) i'm bored.

meh

Tue, 06 Dec 2005 00:34:18 GMT

i'm bored. i've got a lot of shit to get done..heh heh th semister is almost over and guess what, my gpa sucks ass because my classes blow. well two of them do. i'm getting a new board soon. i want to go snowboarding wiked bad. i want to transfer. i think i need to go somewhere else. i don't know what i want to do with my life anymore. i've found myself not caring about shit here..and that's a bad thing. i feel retarded....anyway i'll update again some day...if you're all luck.

.zero

suppose i should update...

Sat, 12 Nov 2005 06:21:57 GMT

been a while. i'm 20 now. i feel like an old man. school is school. nothing really exciting happening. i got a job finally. i don't feel like a fucking bum now, but i feel like a moron instead.

don't waste your fucking time...let live let go.

Fri, 28 Oct 2005 21:05:26 GMT

meh..having an off day. the saratonin in my head must be low. lol disorder joke. i'm bored. coming home at some point this weekend to be sick there instead of here. well atleast i think i'm sick. i haven't been feeling well, but it could be from a number of things. not eating, being stressed, being depressed...i dunno. *shakes head* i'm scared because i don't know if i'm going to be here next semister. and besides my two classes that i'm having a rough time in i'm ok, and the fact that my old roommate is a fucking douche bag and tried to start shit with me last night i'm doing ok. i like the fiends i have right now. anywho...yeah i'm having a bad day. :( = my bad day face. anywho. take care lovelies. don't end up like me.

jd

this is so totally not me...but it's my favorite song on the album

Thu, 27 Oct 2005 18:10:23 GMT

Take the quiz: "Which Marilyn Manson Single Are You?"

Tourniquet
You are Tourniquet from the Antichrist Superstar album. You're about sex, bondage, and...sex.

as i lay dying...

Tue, 25 Oct 2005 16:55:31 GMT

The Darkest Night

for so long i have felt alone
content to live with unrest
longing faded into countless nights
that buried my weary heart
but you brought an end
to this dead hour
and meaning to a calloused life
held in your arms
but too far away from my heart
these thoughts will carry me through
the darkest nights
while your eyes rest in mine
i remember the way you looked at me
and the way you drew me close
with one deep sigh
scattering pieces of my testless mind
forgetting all that we have left behind

Forever

forever your eyes will hold the memory
i saw your heart as it overtook me
we tried so hard to understand and reason
but in that one moment i gave my heart away

i gave my heart away
in that moment i gave my heart away
in that moment i gave my heart away

with that perfect breath where my mind lay beside me
and all i knew is what had overtaken me
with no reason i am comforted by inability to understand

forever your eyes will hold the memory
i saw your heart as it overtook me
we tried so hard to understand and reason
but in that one moment i gave my heart away

i gave my heart away
in that moment i gave my heart away
in that moment i gave my heart away

FOREVER your eyes will hold the memory
forever your eyes will hold the memory
forever your eyes will hold the memory

when i wake from this dream
will your smile still open my heart
and leave me transparent?

everything i touch i break...

Tue, 25 Oct 2005 00:34:12 GMT

i fucking suck. i'm a horrible person. who the fuck am i to do this to some one. god i'm worse than michele. *shudders at the thought* i shouldn't have kept it to myself. i should of told you. i'm sorry. i'm selfish, i'm inconsidderate. i should crawl under a rock and never come out from underneath it. every one should run far fucking away from me. everything i touch i break. everything i care about turns to stone and it's my fault. i'm an idiot i know. i'm ignorant. i'm a weak human being who doesn't know how to stick to his own decisions because i care too much. but how could i care when i hurt every one i come in contact with? what the fuck is wrong with me? i hate myself. *shakes head* i should jump from a high place and swan dive into what ever lies below hopefully not to live in the end. SPLAT!! it would be so much more simple. *sigh* no i can't think like that. that's the chicken way out. i dunno... i don't know what to do with myself. i know i don't need to be with anyone. it's not the "scared to be alone" thing. it's the i'mterrified to hurt other people...and because i'm so afriad...i hurt them anyway. what the fuck!? who the fuck am i to be this way? i feel disgusting. errrrr....i want to do something stupid..i'm so frustrated with myself. (chrissy smack me around and get some sense into me)anyway...
later.
NOWI'MNOTHING

"Everything I Touch"

The more I feel
The more I die
Nothing to give
Nothing inside
Everything I touch I break
Everything I touch I break
Everything I touch I break

I scratch and tear
Until it bleeds
I do not want
I only need
I only need
I only need

Everything I touch I break
Everything I touch I break
Everything I touch I break
Everything I touch I break
Everything I touch I break
Everything I touch I break

How Can I Hold On (Dog Attack)
Back when you were my life
You gave me something that I could live for
Now everything's changed
And you're gone
But I'm still here waiting
-STABBING WESTWARD-

holy shit it's 5:30 am

Sun, 23 Oct 2005 09:34:57 GMT

shit it's five thirty in the morning. where'd the fucking time go? huh. anywho i'm fucking bored. made three cd's yeah count em' three motherfuckers. killswitch engage: end of heartache, as i lay dying: frail words collapse, as i lay dying: shadows are security. yeah i'm bored. so i think i'm goin to the nsn show on friday (next week), hatebreed comin up! ROCK. wow i'm fucking wired. must be the music. i'm bored. totally got my myspace page all pimped. it's nice. going to a play tomorrow with my sister. looking gorward to that. dicking off after i get back. maybe go to the movies or something with who ever the fuck wants to go. haven't written a damn thing (chrissy you should punch me in the nose). yeah...things are alright thus far. dunno though, plenty of time to fuck something up. i'm real good at that! anywho..

good morning all...i want coffee...mmm coffee....oh yeah late

me

i can't sleep...

Thu, 20 Oct 2005 08:39:04 GMT

i haven't slept real well in days..and today i believe i shall see the sun rise. i don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. i try to sleep..i really do. i put myself in bed and i just can't do it. my mind won't stop racing. i keep thinking of all the shit i know i should be doing or i should have done. i'm not doing real well here again this semister. i think i'm losing my mind..or i'm dying one of the two. i don't know what to do with myself anymore. i want to disappear. this is way too hard for me and i don't think i can do it. i'm never sure what i'm supposed to be doing. i know there's shit for me to do...but i never know what it is. i can't seem to find the motivation to get shit done. i'm not fucking lazy. i'm stressed and exhausted. i'm stretched beyond my means. *sigh* i think i'm losing it. everything is slipping out of control and i can't keep hold. i don't know how long i can keep this up. i'm ok but i'm not all at the same time. heh i'm fucking nuts. i wish someone would lock me up and put me away somewhere nice and safe. heh anyway. going home for the weekend tomorrow night. dunno how long though. my sister and i have plans to go see a show but i forgot when it was... i think it's either sat or sun. oh well. will let you know how shit turns out in time of course..

"the disappointed disappear."

sPin SpIn spIN THOUGHTS IN MY HEAD SO SLEEPLESS

Mon, 17 Oct 2005 07:04:22 GMT

so i've taken to not sleeping much anymore. i've decided it's safer that way. when you don't sleep you are too tiered to think of the shit that makes you hurt unbelieveably so. i'm fuckin up. i'm on the edege. i don't know who the hell i am. i don't know who the fuck is my friend and who's not. FRIEN OR FOE MOTHERFUCKER!? i find myself lost all the time. walking about my cell i call a room aimlessly trying to remember what the fuck i'm supposed to be doing. i'm worried about some people. lyssa i know you'll read this eventually and i want you to know i'm always going to be here for you. i won't ever turn my back i promise. annie...you know you're stuck with me...mindy my partner in crime and another who takes care of me when i'm going to snap...amber...all of my real friends...the one's who really matter..amanda...i love you guys always. i'm sorry for whatever wrong i've done to all of you. i'm a nut. i've dropped off the deep end. i'm ok but not...it's sort of a controlled riot in my head. up down up down up down spinning round and round...completely lost...i'm making no sence..
goodnight....

"i think i used to HAVE A PURPOSE, but then again THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN A DREAM."

never turn your back on someone...they'll put A FUCKING KNIFE IN IT.

Sat, 08 Oct 2005 22:57:51 GMT

i've learned something today...never turn your back and think it's going to work out fine. SOMEONE WILL PUT A KNIFE IN IT AND YOU'LL BLEED TO DEATH. i never should have trusted you or anyone. i give up. fuck you...fuck your friends,family,problems,EVERYTHING! I DON'T WANT TO KNOW YOU OR ANYONE YOU KNOW OR ANYTHING AGAIN.

Insomnia Never Killed Anyone

Thu, 06 Oct 2005 02:36:02 GMT

Insomnia Never Killed Anyone

Twisting through thoughts and phrases.
Lost sense of time, direction and other places.
I wonder if there's a way, to just turn your brain off
without dying of course?
Sleep is like a thief in the night,
eluding my eyelids avoiding attention.

I wish for the warmth and comfort
of a good nights rest.
A night void of distress and anxiousness.
This anti-slumber state of mind,
making days feel entwined.
Night and day, blur and fade
unlike the dark circles hugging my eyes.

Release your uncompromising grip upon my body.
Let me fade into the abyss, sink into my pillows.
Allow my eyes to become heavy and shut.
Give my thoughts a well deserved break.
Silence the voices that keep me awake.

i think i'm dying.

Tue, 04 Oct 2005 04:12:39 GMT

i'm sick. i feel like i'm dying. i'm so stressed out right now it's ridiculous. my art history and world civ classes are killing me. they suck so bad. i've got a quize in world civ tomorrow and i know nothing on it...i've got a test in art hist. next week and i know nothing on it. i'm so fucked up now. i feel like the rest of my body isn't attached to my head. it's so weird. i'm so messed up. nothing is going well at all right now. *sigh* i wish i knew what to do.

read it...it's ten pages suckas!

Mon, 26 Sep 2005 05:48:44 GMT

John Dascoulias
Advanced Fiction

The Funeral
Ring…ring… ring…ring…
“Honey will you please answer the fucking phone.”
I stuttered over these words half coherently as if I were some drunker out on the street that has had his last drink of the evening, and eventually the last of his life.
Ring…ring…ring…
“Son of a bitch fine, I’ll answer the phone.”
She must have been asleep. My wife has always been a very sound sleeper. Used to drive me crazy when she’d take afternoon naps or if she went back to bed after the kids were off to school. I’d call from work to check up on her and to see if the kids were ok, but she wouldn’t hear the house or the cell phone.
I shifted my weight forward, placing myself in the upright sitting position. The phone rang once again and I let out a heavy sigh as I began to rise. Staggering to my feet I walked over to the phone that just so happen to be on her side of the goddamned bed, and answered it.
“Hello.”
“I’m sorry to wake you and the family up Andrew. Something terrible has happen to Steven, I normally wouldn’t call you for anything, but he’s your brother, and I know the both of you have no one else so you were my only choice.”
The voice on the other end was my brother’s wife. She sounded horrible, well ok much more worse than horrible. My brother’s wife despises me with an indescribable wrath, and she was right both of our parents are dead. There isn’t anyone left in our immediate bloodline, grandparents, aunts, uncles I think maybe a couple of cousins.
You know, I’ve always heard that phone calls at 3:00am never bring good news, and this…this was just that. She said my brother died of a serious heart attack about two hours before she called me. I can’t believe he had one. He never said anything about heart problems before, well why would he. His wife said the doctors mentioned it was sudden. I guess they couldn’t bring him back. They spent a good hour and forty-five minutes trying to restart his heart. She said they just lost him. My stomach felt like it was going to contort into a knot, and I felt like I was going to vomit.
I could just see how it was all happening, the bright lights and awful pain; the sounds of everyone shuffling all around him. It was almost like I could see what went on through his eyes.
After getting off the phone with Steven’s wife I desperately tried to go back to bed. I couldn’t. Finally the sun came up and I went down stairs to make some coffee. There was no way in hell I was going to make it through the day with out coffee. It was about ten when my wife and the kids came downstairs.
“You look terrible Andrew, what’s up?”
“Can we talk about this later, ya know not in front of the kids. I don’t want to upset them.”
She gave me a slightly awkward look, but I guess she understood the message I was trying to convey. I think she may have had the idea that something was wrong between her and me which obviously isn’t it at all.
The kids got cereal, and went into the living room to watch their Saturday morning cartoons on the big-screen. I was sitting at the table in the kitchen staring out the window at the giant maple in the back yard. My wife sat in front of me nursing her cup of coffee. She looked at me most likely attempting to read my mind. Obviously she cannot.
“Ok Andrew, what’s going on? You look like someone shot your favorite cat.”
“Well it’s not exactly my favorite cat, but it is dead…now.”
I almost started crying. I could feel the tears in my eyes, but I wanted to keep my composure like I always have when dealing with such misfortunes. My wife’s face lost most of its color. The only color at all was her bright blue eyes staring into mine.
“Andrew what’s going on?”
She repeated.
“Did you hear the phone ring this morning?”
“No, it rang?”
I stood up.
“The phone rang this morning at about three. I asked you to answer it you know since it is on your side of the bed. You never woke up.”
“I didn’t even hear it ring.”
Her tone of voice was on the defensive side. I began pacing nervously around the kitchen. I’ve always paced when I’m trying to handle bad situations or if I’m just trying to think things through. I stopped.
“My brother died last night.”
There, I said it. It reminded me of a bomb exploding in the Middle East. I began pacing again. The white and blue square tiles were cold on my bare feet. My wife stood up and walked towards me. She stopped me from pacing and held me close.
“How’d he die?”
She asked. Her voice wasn’t defensive anymore. It was soft almost cautious sounding.
“His wife said he had a serious heart attack. The doctors worked on him for an hour and forty-five minutes before letting him go. By the time she called me it’s was about two hours later. I can’t believe this is happening.”
“God, I’m sorry honey. I know how hard this must be. I mean after your parents died in that plane crash, and work.”
“Yeah my head is fucking spinning. The services are next weekend. Can you and the kids come to Boston with me?”
“I wish I could. You know I’ve got that big trial going on and I can’t miss the court dates.”
“Ok, well can the kids stay here then?”
She looked at me like she wanted to ask why, but she knew it wouldn’t be a great idea to argue in these circumstances.
“Fine, I’ll find a sitter for the week-end.”
“Good, thank-you. I’m going to leave for Boston Friday night.”
It was September, the weather just started to cool down. We weren’t going to be expecting any bad weather for months so I wasn’t afraid of it snowing. I don’t like driving when the weather’s shitty. I wrecked my car once in the snow. Haven’t wanted to drive in it since, but I guess no body really does.
I would have liked to leave during the week, but I just transferred into a new firm and it’s been sort of hectic trying to get everything organized. The new office is a mess, and I’ve got paper work up the ass. I really didn’t need this to happen. Between the wife and kids, and work my head’s feelings like it’s going to explode.
I continued out the week as one would normally do. I’m not really one for attention so I tried my best to hide what was going on. I figured life would be a little bit easier with out a bunch of people asking me what was wrong, or saying how bad I look. I look bad everyday so my co-workers shouldn’t think much of it, they probably won’t notice how extra dark the rings under my eyes are. Lack of sleep never killed anyone, well not that I’ve heard of anyway.
Friday had come. The sound of the alarm going off was more annoying than most days. My legs felt as if I had an extra twenty pounds chained to each ankle. The wooden floor was cold. The first step sent chills running up my leg and all the way up my not so perfect body. I slowly made my way to the shower. The hot water felt nice, almost invigorating. I felt like how a battery would feel (if a battery had feelings) while it’s being re-charged. Each stream of water felt like energy pouring onto my skin. I finished my shower realizing if I didn’t get my shit together I was going to be late, and that never looks good at a new job. I gathered things for the funeral because I was going to head out after work. I needed the space to gather my thoughts and prepare myself.

I grabbed a cup of coffee on my way out the door. Black, just how I like it. Nothing special, just a good ol’ cup of joe on the run. Kissed the wife and kids good bye and hit the road. Traffic wasn’t too bad on 93, it usually never is. I mean we’ve got some traffic, but it’s not like the commute down in Mass. Fuckin’ people from that place have no idea how to drive.
I made it to work on time…well just in time I suppose you could say. I managed to slide into my office right before the boss knocked on my door to see how all the paper work was coming along. He was satisfied with the progress so he left me to my work. The work day was slow, it always is. I feel like I’m doing the same thing every day and nothing really changes. Finally the day had come to and end, I wasn’t looking forward to the daunting task of going to my brother’s funeral. I hate these things. I’ve had to attend one too many of them in my life time. On my way out everyone was telling me to have a good weekend, I wanted to tell them “yeah I gotta go burry my brother, the only family I have left” but I decided to leave it up to their imaginations and just smiled.
The highway was pretty congested. Everyone was getting out of work and heading back home to their loving or maybe not so loving families. I wish I was en rout home to my family. The C.D player was blasting Nine Inch Nails, I figured maybe my favorite band would help clear my head.
“I won’t give up it wants me dead. God damn this noise inside my head.”
And that was exactly that. God damn this noise inside my head. Did I mention that people these days can’t drive? You really can tell that you’re in Massachusetts by the way everyone drives. I’ve had someone cut me off ten times already. I changed the C.D over to Offspring. Bad Habit was blaring when it happened. Some guy in a red Honda Civic cut across the freeway. The driver misjudged the distance between his car and my own. He slammed into the front driver side wheel-well making my car spin in a clock wise motion. The car behind me slammed on its breaks, but it was too late. That car barreled into the passenger side door of my car.
The sounds of screeching tiers and shattering glass seemed deafening. I couldn’t even hear my own panicked thoughts screaming in my head. That’s when I realized the world around me wasn’t quite what it seemed to be. Everything seemed slower. It wasn’t like a slow-motion shot in a movie, but the world seemed slower. Then the flashing lights came. I couldn’t move, but didn’t feel anything either. I could hear the sirens long before I could see the lights from the convoy of fire trucks and ambulances and a couple of Mass. State Police cars.
I couldn’t exactly hear what the EMT’s were saying when they walked up to my car to pull me from what was left of my mangled Subaru. They cut the door off, and put me on the gurney and into the ambulance. I wanted to tell them I was ok. I tried. I was screaming at the top of my lungs.
“I’m ok. Hey can’t you guys hear me? Hello what the fuck are you guys trying to do? I’m o-k what don’t you people understand about that? I’m one of the lucky one’s. Let me go, I have to get to my brothers funeral. Let me go damn it!”
They were ignoring me. Why? What was wrong with these people? Aren’t they listening? Can’t they hear me? This makes no sense. I tried to move. I couldn’t. They had me strapped down. I couldn’t read the machine’s they had me hooked up to. Their faces looked funny. Not in a hideous sort of way. They just didn’t seem right. Something was wrong, very wrong. But the world was still here. I couldn’t possibly be dead, I’m still here. This makes no sense. I can see, and hear.
The hospital was conveniently in the same town as the funeral. I figured there would be someone there who’d let me leave, and I’d just walk to the funeral. They brought me into the ER. I was fine so I don’t know what they were doing. I tried to talk to some of the people who were nurses and assistants, they couldn’t hear me either. What the fuck was happening?
I wasn’t strapped down anymore. This meant I could most likely move. I tried to wiggle my toe. Ok toe is wiggling. I sat up. Ok I can sit up. I had figured that considering I could wiggle my toes and sit up I must be able to walk. From the sitting position I was in, I placed my feet which were bare, on the hospital room floor. I then stood, I could stand. Ok we’re back in business now. I walked out of the room and over to a nurse that was in the room who helped me.
“thank you”
She didn’t even look at me. I figured she may have not heard me. I continued to work my way out of the hospital. Turning a corner the doctor who was in the room when they brought me in was there.
“Hey Doc, thanks for saving my life.”
He didn’t even acknowledge I had spoken to him. Either everyone was really busy today or extremely rude. I didn’t understand why no one would speak to me. They must have a reasonable explanation. I finally made my way out of the building. It’s nice that the hospital they took me to was right here. I don’t know how I would have gotten to the funeral with out my car. But I suppose I can walk now.
I had finally arrived at the funeral. Everyone looked terrible, worse than I imagined. I calmly walked toward Steven’s wife.
“I’m sorry for what had happened, and for the bad blood between you and I.”
Silence. It was as if she was looking strait through me. I waved my hand over her face… Nothing. What the Christ is going on here? I walked away. She probably didn’t want to speak to me. She does hate me. After a time there, I began to realize that no one recognized I was there. They didn’t see that I had been walking about the room. I stood over my brother’s dead body. I wish he never went. I wish we all had known he had heart problems. Stubborn bastard wouldn’t tell a soul if he had a headache, let alone anything wrong with his fuckin’ heart.
I decided I had had enough. I went to the bus station. I got on a bus back to Concord, I didn’t even have a ticket. No one noticed me when I tried to purchase a ticket so I decided the fuck with it and just got on a bus back. Upon my arrival home I noticed something strange, the police were just driving away. I hoped everything was alright. I walked through the front door.
“Honey…lil guys…”
Nothing but silence again. I walked into the kitchen and my wife and my two boys one eight and one ten were both sitting at the kitchen table. My wife was crying and the boys had looked like they had been in tears. I heard one of them mention “when is daddy is coming home.” I tried to comfort her, but I couln’t feel her shoulder. I was touching it, but I couldn’t feel her and she couldn’t feel my hand.
“What’s going on here!”
Nothing. They didn’t say anything to me. I thought I was crying, but no tears flowed down my cheek.
“What the hell is going on.”
I was sobbing at this point, or at least I thought I was. I could feel…but nothing was working. No tears…they couldn’t hear me. I ran to the other side of the table where my boys were sitting.
“It’s ok guys, daddy is right here. Look I’m right here. Oh god please look at me. Please tell me you can see me, that you can hear me. Please!”
Nothing. As I finished these words I felt a hand upon my shoulder. I stood up hoping to Christ it was my wife.
“Steven!? What the fuck? This can’t be you. You’re dead. This isn’t real. You can’t be here right now. I must be seeing things. Post traumatic stress syndrome or something like that. I read about it once when I was doing a murder case.”
“No Andrew, this is real. I’m here and so are you, but there’s one thing. I’m dead and yes that’s a fact, but Andrew you’re dead too.

and i've read some bullshit in my day but this...heh takes the cake.

Mon, 19 Sep 2005 23:53:58 GMT

you know honestly, i don't give a shit about what people like or what they look like or listen to. people like what they like and that's that. what pisses me off are those fuck heads who seem to think it's cool to down on people for liking what they like, or for wearing what they like or want. it's pointless to go on some twenty minute rant about how "emo" kids suck or how shitty the music is, or in the complete other direction oh metal is this or goth is that...all of these scenes are fucking wothless. like what you want don't give people shit for what they like. remember in highschool when you were that kid getting made fun of for this that and the other thing? the music you liked or what you looked like? the things you enjoyed doing in your own time. were you a decent person? it shouldn't matter what you enjoy...it should concern what kind of a person you are. those people who give other shit for liking what they want turned into the people who treated them like shit back in the day. wake up call! get the fuck over yourselves. what effect is it on you that someone enjoys the type of music you hate...or what the fuck ever? who cares.

bring me the disco king

Sat, 17 Sep 2005 03:40:12 GMT

so not much really is going on. just haging out and doing the school thing. nin coming up in november...some shows in october yeah i know october is closer lol. i dunno...not much to say everyone. i'll post my story when i'm done with it.

Eye (Revised)

Wed, 14 Sep 2005 07:12:57 GMT

I found god today
in a dull knife tearing through clean skin.
this self-hatred induced episode
of youth gone rancid
cliched and over explained
like poetry of love and happiness

i gave up trying to be what ever i was,
tied one on and forgot
what i was trying to forget.
which completed absolutly nothing.

i awoke to the world
cold and hung over,
and continued my crusade
by burning every bridge
i have ever crossed.

and now at this point in life
i find myself sifting through the ashes
of those bridges burned.
searching for something valuable.
trying to find each bit of me
left behind in the blaze,
but i find nothing.

not even a speck of who i am
lay within those ashes.
i have nothing to show for myself
except a falsifacation of who i thought i was.
now i am a blank canvas.

write your words and phrase,
and paint your portraits upon my scard flesh.
create a masterpiece out of nothingness.
make something of me again.

john dascoulias

so who the fuck are you then?

Tue, 06 Sep 2005 16:47:13 GMT

yeah so this weekend was alright. i did a little bit more driving than i wanted to, but oh well. watched the transporter 2, it was fucking great. jason statom is the man. oh oh oh i'm really excited because i saw the first preview for the DOOM movie. i believe it is slated for release in october for who ever is interested.

i'm feeling more creative with every day i'm back here. i've got an outline in my head for my first story of the semister for my advanced fiction class. bascialy i've decided to play with human mortality. i've got no idea where i'm going to head with this piece but i'm sure as i work on it it'll unfold. i've been thinking alot about poetry and musically as well.

anywho...

nothing much exciting going on. just causing chaos as usual.

chesta yo!

Thu, 01 Sep 2005 16:19:56 GMT

well i'm back at school and i must say i am happy to be back. although i'm not ready to work though. my mind just isn't in that program. i mean i spent my summer doing pointless bullshit work and not really doing anything creative. it sucks because i want to create...i want to write and draw and paint and do al these things but my brain just isn't working in that mode...

i'm glad to be back. i feel comfortable here, like i belong you know? i feel everyone had their place and this is mine. it's sad because alot of the freshman class are fucking pricks! they'll realize that this isn't their place. they aren't the one's who've been here a year plus ya know? i hope they chill out and drop the fucking bullshit. i've met a few cool people though.

anyway, going home tonight. therapest appiontment tomorrow at one. i need some cash and some other stuff. might be going to six flags on monday. so that should be cool.

me.

"walk strait for a final solution" -soilwork-